I'm beside his hospital bed.
His eyes ... haunting.
Sometimes clear, focused.
Other times staring.
Out the window?
What is there?
The last sunshine?
The last blue sky?
Nothing at all?
Looking inside himself?
Pondering his life?
Pondering beyond life?

This frail man I see
is NOT my dad.
This old withered body
is NOT MY DAD.
But in his eyes,
he's still there.
Watch his eyes,
just his eyes.

He's trying to talk.
What's he saying?
Hurting?
Afraid?
Concerned about Mom?
Things not done?
Regrets?
'I love you'?

He reaches for me.
I take his hand.
It's all I can do.
It's all anyone can do.
At the end,
that's what's important?
To hold hands?
I need to do that
more.
NOW.

In my own mind,
from depths totally unaware of;
One word,
Daddy.

Daddy, a loud desperate cry.
A cry that will never be answered.
Daddy, where are you?
Daddy, I need you.
Daddy, come back, don't leave me.
Daddy, I hurt.
Daddy, I'm angry.
Daddy, I'm lonely.
Daddy, I'm frightened.
Daddy ...

Like a volcano.
Emotions rushing out in a great mind numbing blast,
from deep, so deep.
Lava tears.

Daddy,
a word unused since my
pre-adolescent arrogance.
A small percentage of my life.
In fact, a failing grade.

I must remember to ask
Erika my daughter
to call me daddy,
always.
It's the proudest,
most important,
most significant, ...

She skipped school today.
To say goodbye.
Brought her favorite tiger.
It's worn, stained, missing its eyes.
Like dad, it is much loved.
Put it with dad
so he wouldn't be lonely.

Zuni was there.
A beautiful young girl.
She kissed my Dad.
He smiled.
He cannot talk.
He cannot hear.
He can barely see.
But he can still appreciate
the kiss
of a beautiful young women.
Does beauty
go deeper than death?
Is THAT where he's going?
Beautiful!?

They say he died peacefully in his sleep.
Really? Did he? How do 'they' know?
Are their white coats omniscient?
Despite our best efforts he died alone.
One family member leaving.
The next arriving.
He died in between.
Is this going to haunt me forever?
Did he try to say one last thing?

Tome stone:
William Jack Savage
Rest in Peace
So cold.
Tome stone:
Daddy, much loved.
Better, but never enough.

Much loved.
I think I know what that means now.
Why now? Why so late? Too late?

I'm in public.
I'm in control.
No worries.
Then ... hurt, tears.
Where did THAT come from?
I can control them.
Don't want to embarrass myself,
but I'm not in control.
A covert Kleenex.
Red eyes tattle.
For the moment,
the world can go to h---.

Got to go now.
Mom needs me.
Same hospital, different room.
Realization; I'm going to go through this AGAIN soon.
Will word 'Mommy' assail me next?
Dear God help me!
I guess he did.
He sent me experience.
He sent hands to hold.
He sent people who love.
He sent a beginning,
so there can be an end.